now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
