I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity