so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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