I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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