I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
