i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
