Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
