The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
