I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
