I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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