I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
