this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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