good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
