The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
