I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
