We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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