I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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