Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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