im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
