Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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