I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
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Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
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After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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