i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He did a backflip because drugs
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
