Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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