I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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