does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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