Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
