sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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