Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
