idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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