highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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