She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
