yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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