My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
