I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
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I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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