I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
