i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
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The beers last night were like the tears from god
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
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I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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