If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
