Yo dont text me then not text me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
