Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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