Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
