Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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