he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
