I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
