the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
