There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
