I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
