THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
