Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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