I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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