I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
