i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
