Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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