I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
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We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
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If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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