this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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