Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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