apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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