I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
