At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
